Oh I knew they were building an empire

When they told me to get back in line
Said you gotta do your time to live this life
You gotta pay some dues if you want some food

And the roof that hangs over your head
Well it really belongs to the banks
They take your money and buy funny things
Like submarines and tanks

Oh I knew they were building an empire

When they said we were going to war

but nobody could explain to me

just what we were fighting for

They said it was for democracy

equal rights and liberty

but tell me if crime fighters fight crime
What do freedom fighters fight?

Oh I don't want to be a slave to the new world order

No I don't want to be a slave to the new world order!

Oh I knew they were building an empire

When they bought more bombs and guns

And they told me, these expert liars

There's no money to fix up the slums

And the news that you read is all old

Still the homeless have no homes

The hungry are still hungry

But tell me who's ahead in the polls? Come on!

I knew they were building an empire

when they said hey boy get a degree

Cause you gotta buy your ticket
To find the land of your dreams

They said hey boy get yourself a job

Try to work your way to the top

And it don't matter what crimes you commit
As long as your involved

But I don't want to be a slave to the new world order
No I don't want to be a slave to the new world order

-Loh El

Today I opened up the messiah's handbook thinking of you and this is what it said...

The choice to follow any real adventure
is measured by this view:
When you look back on it,
will you be glad you dared,
or glad you didn't?

To love someone unconditionally
is not to care who they are or what they do.
Unconditional love, on the surface
looks the same as indifference.

This little archive of my life since thirteen is now almost entirely full, so the black book will be closed save for the frequent reminders it will offer me in reading. These are the last pages recorded here...

All of us are better when we're loved. I have always been loved, but I have not always loved...
We talked all night till we could talk no more
and we decided it best that I sleep on the floor.
The bed is for the child, and I am a man
though I feel more like an infant at the touch of her hand.
At home in those arms I could say everything, and I did.
I am free to love this woman and her adorable kid,
though I am not a father and I wonder if I had been
Would I be any better? useless wondering...
Whatever happens, happens, for life is but a dream.
All I know is that I love this life and so too I admire her dreams.
In the morning she recalled to me what I had said in her subconscious
"That mouth would make for a great blowjob" and I laughed
Perhaps she saw right through me, but there was so much more
that flew through my mind as I lay on the floor.
There is beauty in those hands, chewed breasts and wrinkled belly
There is beauty in those bright eyes and smile
But all the while underneath there is beauty I cannot describe
It would be a lie if I tried but there is certainly something glorious
behind the surface of those eyes.
If I never see her again that will be alright,
the print left on my soul in a single, simple night
will lift me up in joy through a thousand different lifetimes.
Still, I know too well the danger of those eyes
they way they gaze longingly into mine.
I should like to close them with a kiss, a touch
but it would feel almost too much
if I should then like to be with you all the time.
What could I stand to lose? What might I find?
Love? Abandonment? Or all of the above?

Senses of Love

I love to look at life
through the reflections of light
caught by a window
when it is dark outside.
I love to listen in on conversations
carried in the wind
from some distant street or corner
I cannot see.
I love the taste of thick smoke
or thick steam washing all over me
or strong drink or someone else
tasting me.
I love the scent of baby's breath
or a woman's sweat
and anyone between the legs
just before or after sex.
I love to feel within myself
the loving essence of someone else
the burning of my skin
as sunlight comes pouring in
and at night the quiet peace
just before life and death meet.

I toss and turn in my sleep
as if searching my empty bed for something
someone to keep holding on to as the dreams
come and go and are forgotten

My gut is rotten through with coffee and smoke
I can't eat... but I do
I can drink but I try not to
I am so tired I can't sleep

Who calls but nature?
To lift me from bed in the morning
Old friends have left behind
an old friend not worth mourning

I try to sing but I know you're listening
And the ones that should hear
have only turned a deaf ear
Mother it's just too embarrassing

This is my soul
It is mine alone
And even I proclaim no ownership
Everything, absolutely everything
is on lease.

I want to smoke all day
drink all night
I want the cigarette to last forever
I want to sleep a million years

I am running out of pages in this journal... a new one will have to start soon.

I've got nothing keeping me here
no reason to stay but for the cherished yesterday dreams
They could still become alive if we wanted them
But no, we don't, not yet
I could fly to Ireland, France,
Back to the motherland, back to the Netherlands
None here would miss me
I could fly away with the memory
Of loving you and never forget
Never corrupt yesterday's dreams
But it's all me now, caught in the present
The ever-churning current
I could disappear and never return
But I would, to remind you all I should have stayed
But my love wants for Atlantic waters
And I for the Pacific
May we meet some day in some trickle of a ravine
Laced for miles about rocks and mosses and snails and birds
I am the tadpole - Or are you the frog?
You are the crab - Or am I the hermetic shell?

Hell is nearer than you think
Is the back door locked?
That rabbit hole contains nothing
Compared to the looking glass
That's just a snake
Eating its own tail
What you face is the tail
And the arduous task
Of devouring it to the end

The sun is setting
The clouds are running wild
With fire in the sky
All I can think about
is the girl who smiled as I walked by
Jewels were in her hair
shades over her eyes
she carried nothing but a smile
And a drum by her side
I should be leaving
I should be moving on
But every damn woman I see
Crossing paths with me
Reminds me of the one who chose to stay
But now is gone
What did I do to finally chase you away?
I was so faithfully adoring
Just save the desperate imploring for you to stay...

Please don't kill me softly
Take my life away from me
With all the rage and brutality
That I deserve.
Let the bed be broken
Against the ocean side
I'll take one spring as token
For love we shared that died
Crack the neck of the guitar
That was between us to hold
In the goat skin of your drum
Punch a thousand little holes
I'll keep the strings
You'll keep the pins
We'll use the hollow bodies for kindling
To build us a great fire
We'll pile on all the possessions
That were once known as ours
We'll burn them down to ashes
Along with all our once shared desires
We'll throw our masks into the coals
Mine is covered in blood and ribbons
Yours, by bird feathers and fish bones
We'll exchange, return, and finally burn
All our traded clothes
We'll embrace in the ashes
Then return to our separate homes
Straightened and awakened
I will finally be whole

I want a stranger to approach
out of pure synchronisity
lead by an intuition
of the great possibility
that in only an instant
we could reduce us to infants
dependant and subservient to love
I want a stranger to lie with me
just to share the simple things
we only have when two bodies
breathe the same air
I want to hold a stranger woman
feel her, stroke her wild hair
I want to come to know her
Have her know me if she dared
But what am I to her but a nameless face
in a sea called "crowd"
Masked by anonymity
So my eyes don't speak too loud
No one seems to stare like I do
Into the eyes that pass them by
They just quickly glance away
As if afraid of what they'll find
No matter how hard I try
I can't help but want to know
Who these strangers are
And what their hearts have to show
And I can't tell you how hard it's been
Not to covet their skin
It seems like an impossibility
that some day I'll truly find
a pair of eyes as wide and bright
that linger as long on mine
I want a stranger to approach
a stranger who might lie with me
I want to hold a stranger
That I might not feel so strange with me

Someone has smeared their blood
Next to the window at the back seat
That even could have been me
Years ago I was a little weaker
And it's a thin line between being strong
And strong enough to die
I can only sympathize with the dregs
Who contemplate suicide
I was there and sometimes
I wonder if I ever really felt more alive
than that time I watched air come between my skin
in the wake of a knife

I want to smoke with you
in the snow again
I want to joke with you
about everything
I want to drink with you
until it's morning
Do it all over again
the next evening
But it's the girl I love
with whom you're lying
And it's the boy I love
with whom she's sleeping
And while I'm thinking
of what you might be dreaming
You are living out the life
I dreamed of having
And I am jealous
I am sick
With envy

Our love is nothing
No Thing to be spoken of
And this touch--does it feel wrong?
Does it turn you on?
Does ti remind you of all that for which you long?
Or of that special little place that you call home?
And when you see yourself there are you in company or alone?
Our love is nothing
No Thing to be spoken of
This touch is a feeling
A feeling that I cannot transmit through words
For words must be heard
Digested and tested
And even then, do you think that words could
Really make our love understood
The only way words should
enlighten us about love is
is everything to be spoken of
is really nothing, is really love
So we make up words to make sense of
An infinite universe composed of love
And these words point us in the direction we've all come from
And they remind us
That this touch
Closed eyes, no sound, darkness, quiet...
Some call it a big bang
But I call it this touch
Because I believe in a universe composed of love
Where our love is everything
Which is nothing to be spoken of
because this touch is a feeling
That I cannot transmit through words

I went to central station
Saw all the peoples faces waiting
though none were waiting or looking for me
So I take the next train
go on to the next city
Though the faces still all look the same
I'm on my way to my first show
Being held in an outdoor theater
To stand with a crowd I don't know
Though all the faces look familiar
This illusion of communion is all I long for
This illusion of communion is all I live for
When I saw you and him in the crowd
It was more than I could stand
Your fingers were intertwined,
I know it's only holding hands...
But there used to be a space
Between your knuckles where I would place
My fingers like fragmented puzzle pieces, that
senseless by themselves, together create such beauty
But now your picture does not include me
You've put primer over pain
And in the space I used to fill
You're painting a new face
And I hope that it is beautiful
Yeah I'm sure it is beautiful
There's no one now in my life
Who loves me like you did
So I'm painting a self portrait
Of myself as a little kid
I've got a blank canvas
And all the universe's colors at my fingertips

All of these pages will never be filled
All I have written here is an epitaph to the moments passed by

I've got all I need
though my pockets are empty
And I've no one to comfort me
I've got all I need
The sun blesses all that I see
the rain falls to sprout the seeds
And these gentle hands are all I need
To sow next  years crop with this year's seed
And feed all the souls dear to me

The dawn breaks
Coffee and cigarettes
sunshine filters through smoke and steam
You know we've all gotta get clean
But not today, not today,
just pass me that whisky
fill my cup until I've had enough
I'll be all right... I'll be alright

I was offered a ride in the vehicle of my best friend
when I got together yesterday with my ex-girlfriend
We are all going to see radiohead
So why not save some money at one end?

No, I think I'd rather pay the bus to take me
Because as much as I love you guys and you guys care about me
And as much as I know it would be hilarious
More than that it would be a tragedy

Because as much as I love you, 
and would love to talk, smoke, and grow
After being abandonned by both of you
I'm not sure you're people I want to know

And it kind of drives me mad to think
You'll get home and in all likelihood
Tonight you'll fuck the one we both loved
The same one who replaced me as quick as he could

2.

I thought you had better intentions
thought you had a better plan
than to leave me here without direction
To follow yours with another man
I guess these are the false pretenses
that doomed our love before it began

I was like an innocent Columbus
charting the waters of your Cancer
Oh how beautiful! How awe-inspiringly beautiful!
Are her hills and valleys, her love-filled curves
her sweet carresses, the embracing way
that she blesses my tongue, my mind,
all in one move she's enriched my life

But Columbus, you know, they don't write it down
not in history, but he actually searched for gold
Not for love or new land or civilization
Just for gold. And he killed,
he killed, he killed and he killed
and he stole the land, the furs,
the women AND the gold!
But he left behind the wisdom
That could have saved his soul
But that's Columbus, you know?
A damn fool headed off in the wrong direction
With all the wrong intentions
Like so many other greedy
pretentious europeans
But I'm innocent, remember?
Do you remember?

I guess I did my part to offend her
I oppressed her spirit like a subject
of my twisted fantasy life
in which hugs and kisses
are the precious true riches
and we do not all live in abject poverty
like in reality, where we chase money
to find some objective level of wealth
while our subjective sense of health
and our ability to relate the self to someone else
goes straight to hell

And that's why honey
I tried to force you to believe
In my twisted life of fantasy
So we could be rich with precious true riches
Happy with our hugs and our kisses
So we could be free to sell our time
not for money, nor for gold,
but for love to share even as we grow old
Because I'm innocent, you see?
Remember now? You were too, just like me
Before it became apparent that your love wasn't true
Back when we believed the best thing we could do
Was share our love with everyone
Starting here and now, me and you
I guess we always knew
these were the false pretenses
Behind your ecstatic "I Love You"s
We never did get free
I'm locked up to this day
But my delusion made it seem
as though we had found The Way

I thought you had better intentions
I thought you had a better plan
than to leave me here without direction
To follow yours with another man
I guess these are the false pretenses
That doomed our love before it began

...........................................


These things in my mind will float on

I have been suffering ---

         a good many things.

But more importantly and noted, is the writer's block.

.

.

.

I can't think

straight

I can't w

right.

I know why

My mind's occupied

Obsessed with a certain feeling

Which has poems, novels, epics,

songs, symphonies, soliloquies

all devoted to making it known

To those who know

Who have felt it

I feel it

.

.

.

I want you
I want you to share this with me
I want us to be one, united, alone
Underneath, within and above the sun
It is so beautiful

It is
So
Divinely
Beautiful...

In awe,
Bowing, thinking
we knelt face
to face

.

.

.

Couldn't you see it

Standing there with me?

I guess this is

my soliloquy

.

.

.

Alone, this seems no longer

An hilarious tragedy

Without you to share it,

I am a very tragic comedy.

That's what I think about

Why I can't  w

right?

All I see is the space

Empty, hanging

Between the day

and night

your love

and my fright.

I've risked it all

and liked it

I understand

w...

right?

.

.

.

Write, write, write
Write it all down
Write it before you forget
Write, write, write
If you don't keep a record
If you don't write it down
How will you let the lesson sink
Down in through your crown
Your heavy, tight, thorned iron crown
Write it all down
Before your body burns to the ground

.

.

.

My words

My life

Will be

An Hilarious

Tragedy

This much

I guarantee

.

.

.

Hey creatures,

All I've written in my paper journal has to do with dream fragments involving guitar amps and mysterious women who I never quite get to know for more than a moment.

But in reality, I am ill. In my dreams, I am healthy. The fantasy-reality barrier is unmistakable today.

Being sick like this brings up all sorts of old feelings, memories and insecurities. My muscles ache, my joints ache, my nose is intermittently clogged, I am cold, then hot, cold, then hot... Slow body, slow mind. Even reading takes effort! What is this?!

It's illness Loh, you've been here before, you've struggled with it and you've made peace with it. The easiest times have been when you had a material wealth at your fingertips and someone to love and care for you. So of course your mind wanders to your lost love and your mother and father. They were the ones who would bring you soup, rub your back, take your temperature, bring you glass after glass of cold water or mug after mug of hot tea.

Oh you're really feeling it now Loh! It's not enough to be physically ill but your emotions are welling up inside you like a bottle rocket and your lungs are becoming shaken and your face is losing its relaxed complexion as you remember all those sweet moments... How in love you were... How deeply humbled and grateful you were... Miso soup.

Calm down child. Just... Calm down. Here you are. Sick and alone. So what are you going to do about it? Revel in your sorrow for missing the ones you love? That's not going to magically bring any bodies to your rescue. Wishing for the past isn't going to create a hot bowl of miso soup.

Oh but how I wish...

So stop wishing and start loving! Don't worry about all those things you can't do because your body is at war. Fight the war! Love your body! And love that memory of miso soup and her soft cheek accepting your gratitude, love that memory of scrambled eggs and your mothers' smile... You don't remember them because they were moments never to be repeated, you remember them because they are moments that repeat themselves continuously in your heart. They make you strong. That love makes you strong. So remember the love, not the fear of losing it.

Oh but can't someone just feel my forehead? Take my temperature? Put on a movie? Open the window? Heat some soup?

No, no, no, no, no, no. YOU feel your forehead. Are you hot or cold? If your hand cannot deliver the strength to throw a disc in the player of your television, you do not have the strength to devote your attention to a movie right now. No one is here to take care of you now Loh. It's you and you alone.

But I don't want to be alone.

Has it occured to you that this entire blog entry is a sort of conversation you are having with yourself? The strength is in you. The awareness is in you. The attitude is in you. So is the illness. So are your demons. You know that. So you're not alone. The question is are you going to listen to your demons, your sorrow and your regret? Or are you going to listen to the voice of reason, truth and beauty?

Hey, have you noticed that they're trying to combine environmentalism with VISA cards up there at the top of the screen?

Pretty pathetic, huh?

What is this world coming to?

A big change. You know.

Yeah. Hey I guess I"m not such bad company after all. Maybe I can take care of myself.

Let's go for a walk, you and I.

Who are you? If you aren't me?

The Voice of God, and I've got some important things to say. I've BEEN saying them all along, but now that I've got your ear... Burn a sacrament and follow me. I promise, you will not feel any better sitting around here sulking.

Hey... I'm sorry I haven't been listening.

Apologies mean nothing. Do I appear vengeful to you? I forget and I cry and I lose sight just like you do. So just listen.

I will. I know now... Isolation can be fun!

Hah! You don't even know the trillionth of it Loh, O God of Naught, come explore the jungle.

So lately I've been keeping a written journal... Part.II

So Keira has left me. I am alone now. What am I to do with myself? Live your life, John says, they all say. What is life to me now? What does my life mean without her to share it with?

I see such deep beauty in this world, I am stricken dumb by it in a way. All I know is to share its wide unfathomable distances and warm implicit mingling of it with my Other...
Who is that Other? I thought it was Keira. I had so many dreams that I thought were OURS, and now, all alone, I don't know that I even want them anymore.

Do I want to be a farmer? A writer? An activist? Or do I only want to be a husband and father? Who Am I? Who am I without you?

Perhaps... Perhaps she is not entirely gone... Wishfully I think.
She is gone, in one way at LEAST, and not returning. Things have changed unexpectedly. But she is in my heart, as she always will be. I will carry her memory and spirit with me through life and I know her love, if I may accept it as it IS, will continue to empower me.

Dreams I built with her, that I thought were OURS are now MINE and I have a duty to try to make them real. But in none of my dreams was I ever alone.

I've dreamt of tending the land, growing my own food, building my own home, employing myself... But all of this in the company and cooperation of others. Farms are unsustainable enterprises when operated by a single person. Right? That's what I've heard at least.

In my heart I know it is at least emotionally unsustainable. I want more than physical self-sufficiency, I want emotional and spiritual sustainability.

Is that something ONLY attainable with other people? No. But I have CHOSEN to pursue it as a collective endeavor.

Still my pursuits are mine alone, whatever their nature. I can only strive to achieve my dreams and have faith that others will come to share the wealth.

(Note: What a horrible word: achieve... I won't achieve my dreams, merely dream them and live them and whatever happens will happen. If other people enjoy my visions and dreams they will share the wealth. if they don't, they don't.)

I have been impatient all the way through. Expecting my highschool friends to be more than just friends but family too, of the heart. I longed for a wife and not just a lover. I wanted tehse people to make my dream a reality for me. Now I am alone, I have to live the dream myself.

Just as before I dream to have love pervade my every relationship: for my family, friends, for my country, politics, ecnomy, education, for my world, for my cosmos, most importantly for myself.

I want to sustain my life, build my house, grow my food, raise my animals, teach my children, govern my own life. But I must be patient. Waiting Is. All these things will happen when and if they are ready to. They are noble goals for any human being, but more noble for a spiritual being is remaining in tune with the IS and living fully in love regardless of circumstance or consequence.

KNOW THYSELF - there is no higher end.

Those who know themselves, or are learning how, will naturally congregate. Like attracts like.

Who am I
To call on you
For the meek and helpless few
Am I to blame
when I assume
That you should feel the way I do
For the overworked Alliance
of social classist clients

Watch them drive and stroll down the street
With their slurs kept in their feet
And their postures without soul
And their eyes dead and cold

When theirs meet mine, they turn and flee
From the most gentle soul they might ever meet
Still I smile and try to brighten their days
And still they run away from me
Yeah they run, they run, away...

The girl on the cellphone at the busstop...

How can this young woman, who is sooo beautiful, be so stupid too? Notes of timid music sound all around us. She is buried in the weightless sound of her ownc omplaining being carried somewhere far off.
Who, I wonder, are the silly victims that receive these calls from busses in transit? Do they take turns complaining or do all these stupid beautiful women have some equally stupid conterpart who absorbs their vacant thinking?
My contempt lies in that we could all use more beauty in our lives, but even better would be to share more beauty in our lives. This beautiful girl lives in a beautiful world where her beautiful mind could focus on the divine dillemma of inspiring one world, one love, one life lived in reverence of the good, the true, and the beautiful!
But instead her mind is clouded with the joyful and hateful intimation she has with the world around her: her friends, her job, her classes and her less than enlightening family.
Oh, that's right, you see these girls have the world handed to them. They haven't been taught how to grow, sow seed, harvest fruit, let alone think of what it means to BE HUMAN today.
They've been taught to USE their beauty to con the world around them into delivering the world they WANT, rather than SHARE their beauty with the world they HAVE.
When these girls paint their faces they paint over the naked beauty of their own perceived reality.
How ugly finally is the decoration they adorn their bodies with and the blinders they wear on their souls.

Keira... I miss being with her, talking with her. I still love her but can't imagine that she still loves me. I don't even really know who she is, nor can I imagine that she does, still I love her more than anyone I know. But myself. Right? Maybe I'm still struggling with that... judging myself on others' actions.

Having someone love me brought out some exquisite beauty. It also brought exquisite pain, and worse, blindness. It blinded me to my fears, weaknesses and neuroses. It made me feel complete when I wasn't.

I try now to complete myself, but I find it difficult. I am lonely too often. I think of useless things... times I won't spend with friends, things I won't accomplish alone, love lost and dreams forgotten. These things do not serve me.

I was thinking of something interesting yesterday... after flipping through the Messiah's Handbook. Seems that when people talk or think about their lives, they see a dichotomy between LIFE ITSELF and THEY THEMSELVES, and for good reason.

We are GIVEN life, BORN INTO the world. We assume we are not OF a LIVING WORLD. But trace back your origins and the line between I and IT, US and THEM, becomes vague.

Who GAVE you life and BORE you into this world? Your parents? But how did they receive this special gift to GIVE life? If our science is correct, is it merely an evolutionary material mutation? And why should matter and energy evolve into life, and should they then be considered non-living? Do we equate life only to consciousness? And why should consciousness be neither qualifiable nor quantifiable?

An incredible leap in human awareness would be to answer these questions. Although the grounds for proof are perhaps tenuous at best, I personally don't believe that the matter and energy that constitute our bodies are the primary constituents of the existent universe. The primary constituents of the universe are the same primary constituents of our own human consciousness...

self awareness, which implies an awareness of the external
Love, which implies Fear
Desire, which implies emptiness. These things MAKE UP our world.

That rock, that tree, that slap of concrete, that telephone pole and that dead human body are all aware of themselves just as they are. Sure, a rock isn't much and its awareness can hardly be compared to our awareness, but why should it have no awareness of itself just as it is? Just because it is inanimate, has no memory or emotion, no cycles or reproduction, no language (so far as we can tell), and is less complex than we are does not necessarily mean it isn't conscious. Afterall, our evaluation of consciousness is forever biased by the fact that we do feel emotions, have memories, communicate and reproduce.

Yeah that dead body with its synapses falling apart and breaking down won't see the world around it the way a "living" brain would. But what happens to the awareness of the external and the love or fear that once-living being associates between oneself and the external world? What happens to those desires accumulated as a human being? Most intriguingly, what happens to the sense of emptiness?

Does it all vanish with the decay of nerve cells and the slowing of a pulse? How does a sense of emptiness vanish? Where do these things come from and where do they go? Especially seeing that they are not THINGS per se but rather BEINGS or, as we perceive them, STATES of BEING. We perceive them as STATES because we are constantly changing according to our loves, fears, wants and losses, always returning to an agonizing, inspiring, awful, wonderful, perplexing, enlightening sense of emptiness.

From a sense of emptiness we are born into life and into emptiness we return. If people could SEE this in their hearts we might LET GO of life, and somehow, paradoxically, EMBRACE life.


The consequences of the notion that we are all one (P.1)

First time I saw you
it was a cigarette
and the mystery of the long dark jacket
that drew you near where I sat
at the roots of a big old tree

And I can still see today
the way you coordinated
those long dark legs
All alone, they brought you close to me
And I glow and my heart beats

So I put down my journal
where I wrote of some terrible dream
I guess you'd have called it a nightmare
But it vanished when you sat next to me
Like any other dream

And you shared with me some thoughts that
made me feel alive...
and I think maybe, just then I was ready
To die...
With your eyes locked on mine

How funny life can be!
And how terrifying
But I have to admit I found it all
So very exciting
If not completely enlightening

I guess I should have seen it coming
Life ain't ever what I expect
It to be, just what I need
Still I wish it would give up those unpredictable ways
And just keep me safe...

Did I keep you safe?

Your father was gone for good
and your mother still away
Off in a place you just couldn't relate
And so here you stayed, alone with me
and my family

I thought you could fill that space
Left by your most cherished graves
In the most unpredictable way
To grow old with me
But I wasted my breathe it seems

I guess we never did quite understand
How to moderate ecstacy
To just feel happy to be alive
And waiting to die
All alone, you and I

Still i hope that when I go
and review my whole life's story
You'll drop by and keep my company
And maybe read yours to me
Oh how lovely that would be

But for now I'm in transit
And though I certainly didn't plan it
I'm grateful to you for buying my ticket
Getting me the hell a way
And the stub reads "Liberate her!"

So now I sleep alone
And now you sleep alone

Poetry

Red and white flags
Stain my perfect mind
Witches and trolls are fooling me
All the goddamn time
The streets and windows,
Dark and night
While my bright eyes
Are open wide
Sing me that lullaby
That you sing every time

Imagine all the dogs
Running towards stars in the sky
There you can touch the nature
Of my perfect mind
Their tongues drip out the side
Of their fiending jaws
And the stars twinkle and shine
And the dark empty space
Is doing just fine.
It is right inside of me
It is right outside
It is right
All the goddamn time.

Watch the birds in their constant swoon!
The butterflies spinning their cocoons!
The frogs in their tadpoles
The lovers digging holes
Hear the song in the system
The sound of the structure
Fucking sing along!
Touch the troubles souls
Touch their hearts of gold
Find your true self and please
Don't ever let go

All the varied women who've graced my life
Lovers, mothers and wives,
Have been (mostly) wise enough to know
They couldn't make it right
And I fight
To change their minds

Red and white
Red and white
All I see is
Red and white flags
Trolls and old hags
Fooling me all the goddamn time
Riddled bones
Blinded holes
I've learned to do
Just  what I am told
I've learned to be
Just who I am shown
I hear the trees and stones
Speaking to me
And I want to become the wind
Beneath butterfly wings
And maple leaves
Red and green...


Musing...

I have rituals I think maybe
I would like to change
I worship the screen each night
before I sleep
And in the morn when the sun shines
I cloud my skies with smoke.
And I seem to get by
These are precious moments
When I feel to write
I should be singing more
I should clean the windows and floors
I want to remember before I dream
All things I'd forgotten that day I'd seen
All the lessons and what they mean
I want to wake up knowing
which way the clouds are blowing
And I want to shine through
I don't want to keep my eyes closed
Laying alone in bed thinking of you
Wondering where all the good days went
every day's a blessing
full of signs and songs, heaven sent
I know God, we're good friends
She's always there in any event
It's about time I invited her over again
She can sleep in my bed if she wants to
Or if she's rather sleep in my head
When I wake if she's left
I should remember I'll see her again
Just stretch... Breathe... Think... Love...
Be.
Don't feel bored. Don't fall asleep.
Open, open, open, open
open...
you can die when you recognize the need.

Haiku

I can walk outside
I can lay on the tile floor
I watch rain, wind, sun

Through the bright window
The allure of life shines in
Should I stay or go?

You remain inside
Wrapped up in all your blankets
Naked, underneath

I try to peel off
your layers, in my bathrobe
Slightly open--closed.

You pull away fast
and as you shed your layers,
You point to the door

The window is dark
I'm not where I want to be
The door is open

So I wait outside
Watching the rain, wind, sun, moon
And I think of you

When we speak these days
I am turned to the high way
No hesitation

Except the doorway
Remains open, and I watch
Over my shoulder

But when I turn round
Although my door is open
I see yours is closed

I will not shut mine
But I will turn off the light
And wait, I will see.



Analysis.

Weaknesses
Shyness
External-validation dependent
Internal motivation deficient

Vices
Egoism (Megalomania)
Paranoid insecurity
Misery (depression)

Wow. That me, pretty simple, broken down. I could add strengths and qualities, but those are reciprocal, and though I present myself with them, I experience just what is written at the top of this page moreso.
And what am I going to do about THAT?

...

Strengths
Unconditional love
Self-sustaining
Internal motivation driven

Qualities
Inclusive (Non-dual)
Self-validated insight (Wise)
Joyful peace

...I guess I'm going to define some strengths and qualities I aspire to. I try to present myself this way but find inside I am faced constantly with my weakness. I should like to experience more of these strengths and qualities.
O Infinite Radiant Is, if it be thy will, allow me to become deeply rooted in my strength and quality, a master of all my vices and weaknesses, that I may be at peace and sow peace among the people, nations and mother?

Free-Verse

And we are sailing the seas
Deliberately without compass
Without scope of depth or distance
We are really sailing
Far away from the shore
On the blue white teeth of our mother
Just to see if she will eventually
Take us home
We've been sailing a long time now
Everyday we celebrate, down the wine
The pipe is passed in cheer
We are so certain
We feel her guiding us even here
In the deep blue of day
And deeper black of night
With no horizon to break up the shades
No horizon in sight
Where are we going?
Deliberately without compass
Without scope of depth or distance
We are really sailing
Far away from the shore.

So... Thinking of you again. You know, it all seemed so perfect. For both of us, for awhile. We fooled ourselves into thinking we each completed the other, but we held each other back from some of our greatest challenges.
Difference is, now that I can see that and I'm sure you do too, I still love you and want to be with you. I still have all those desires to grow old, build a home, raise a family. You don't think of these things you say. But how could these great dreams have been mine alone? Was that emotional depth of committment all me?
You said maybe that you fooled yourself about being attracted to my body, the "physical chemistry" you called it, saying "it's a mystery, who can say how physical chemistry functions in people."
I couldn't understand. I'm a beautiful person I said. You shrugged.
But I've thought about it and I think I can say how physical chemistry works... [It doesn't exist]
It is intimately tied to emotional chemistry, and on that neither of us were complete fools. That was real for both of us, but how far did we each individually take it, and when or how did it sour?
I know that for me, I lost my sense of individual emotional sovereignty around the time of your father's passing. I wanted to be your saviour then and replace your sad family life with a new kind of family, to grow old with me and live peacefully in a free love society.
You know it all seemed so perfect, I found no reason to believe that you didn't, wouldn't or couldn't share my dreams. I thought we were soulmates, destined to complete each others lives at the divinely appointed time and partner each others journey to enlightenment.
I guess you always were alittle preoccupied with the fear of not being in love, the fear of separation, the fear of uncertainty. And always, right from the very beginning,  would disclose my deep dark compulsive neurotic feelings to try and coherse you into validating me and disclosing yourself as my twin flame.
So I guess it was my fault that I sort of took the journey of life away from you and your most vulnerable moments... it was as innocent in me though as I'm sure it was for you to lead me on to believe we were soulmates, partners in life.
And now we're better off without the emotional fusion and dependence. But I wonder how much of your own unique self was shown to me in our relationship, and how much of that closeness was my own deluded assumptions.
Because I still love you and I know now I'm not your saviour but can't we still share this journey of life together? i've never had such a genuine and deep emotional chemistry, have you?
But maybe all that's worth what it meant at the time. now times are different and we will never look at each other the same way again. I'd like to be your friend but maybe I don't know who you are anymore.
Some things we've shared more recently hurt enough I wonder if I can or want to be your friend, for now or later. I know I want to in that, on principal, I want to befriend everyone. But I somehow doubt that we are either of us capable, at least now, of showing genuine feelings of loving friendship to each other in a healthy relationship.
And that SUCKS! I love you so much and you're the only person in my life, besides maybe Michal and Sean who I am not in good standings with.
What sad satire! Would that we could have found ourselves more smoothly without all the mutual slavery and hurt.
So what am I going to do about THAT?
I guess if I really want to be your friend I have to let go of preconceived identities and learn to love unconditionally who you are for who you are, even if that means finding out that what you meant to me was so much more than I could ever mean to you.

Amen!

ANd so I want to love unconditionally all those whom I meet and yet I long for those I meet to be those who can return my love, dividing them into those who can or can't, will or won't, do or don't, and alienating myself from some, persecuting others.
So what am I going to do about THAT?

I need to let go of wanting to know you.

Love from Loh

So lately I've been keeping a written journal...

It's been a long time. pages are filled of years with regret and deep learning. What distortion of breath could justly describe the transformation taken place?

Je suis la papillon, j'y fait un metamorphe lorsque mes ailles s'ouvrent.

I have become something altogether deeply in and wholly outside of me. I am eclipsed by myself, and I am the sun.

Who am I? What.
Who am I without you? My Other, my One. And now I speak of absolutes; of the EVERY- and ONE- ness of NOTHING-ness; and I speak also of a girl--is it hollow, shallow, lowly, weak of me? O great Infinite Radiant Is, O Sun of God?--she is to me a ray of light and joy in a dark, cavernous world.

She is the sun, the stars, the bright full moon; I am the humble grass, the reverent angel's trumpet, the climbing of the tide.

Life has changed, life has stayed the same.
Life has changed, I have stayed the same.
Life is the same, I have changed.
O Infinite Radiant Is, if it be thy will, allow me to raise out of obscurity among my kin and manifest thy spirit wholly into our civilization, for ye are as deep and powerful as the absolute darkness of space, ye are as shining and beautiful as the ray of light, ye are without let, without want.

I can see all the wears in your face as you sleep
And all of those things you have done, and all that you think has gone wrong, in my arms, now is gone.
I can feel your short shallow breath against my neck--so sweet
All of the things I have done, all that for which I may long rests now in my arms
No, don't go, I'm not ready to be alone, dressed to the bone for all to see
All that which I have been, and all of that which I am, in your wake, castles of sand.
I can see dusk is settling in and though I
want for all, he will take you tonight
Oh, just GO! I'm not done yet being alone, all alone, deep in the throws of love with no one to take care of;
It's not enough, it's not enough
And I can feel the infinite distance between lovers and friends and I can see the end...
Oh Lord, take me home! Naked and undone, alone and all one. I'll remember you...
All of the things that you've done, all that you think has gone wrong, all you believe and dream of;
I am in love and I will forget the empty space.

Life goes on. I am moving on.
Life has no beginning or end. I live to die.
Life is change. I am unchanging.
Life is unchanging. I am chaos.

I miss the friends who knew me but were afraid to love me. I miss the lovers who loved me but were afraid to know me.
I miss the absolutist dictatorship that young love enforces on the heart. All black holes reincarnate as small stars. Wounds become scars and scars become skin. War is a fragmentary, misguided, short-sighted hunger for that which we, together, have found.

I pull the drink away from my lips,
the ice clinking against empty glass.
A hand is on my back.
"Would you like another one?"
She was good.
I nod my head, without really knowing.

Has my learned assumption--that of having to work and intend for dreams and miracles to appear--created my life? Was I at fault for happening upon my life before creating it? Am I at fault for creating my world as I know it now?
Of course I am!
Decide young fool, what do you value higher? Life as you know it or union with the Other?
And what is truly the difference?
Unite the soul of both young fool, find the balance.

You are weak, an egg in an abandoned nest.
You are strong, an egg in an abandoned nest. You will fly.

She is crying in the middle of a restaurant at a table of friends. Condolensces and napkins are her offering. She sniffles incessantly. I want to comfort her, hold her, listen to her story and smile all the way through. Would that we lived in the same universe.

I cherish every memory, love every moment. I am the sun.

She has returned with purple flowers and little has changed. She has changed and I have changed, a little, but have WE? We, people, like all things, change, it is an inevitability of our reality. But I feel WE resist this flow while at the same time SHE and I are diving in.
But my love wants for Atlantic waters and I for the Pacific. May we meet soon in some trickle of a ravine and feel each other laced for miles about rocks and mosses and snails and birds.

We were on the locks; the passengers were leaving. Some of them laughed, some of them smiled, some of them simply watched shamelessly.
We didn't care, we were in Eden's garden and all that grew there was a few trees, grass, ancient stone barricades and our warm joyful love.
I miss the locks, the parks, the basements. I miss her body on top of me, lying, not posing, or pouncing with no feline--but entirely female--pretenses. We were insatiable, and still totally at ease, at peace, in some strange surreal way.
 Now, satiated it seems, we have given away innumerable sacred pleasures.
Oh Infinite Radiant Is, if it be they will, open the floodgates of truth and allow our lives to bloom open in full sun, that we may grow ever closer.

I Am That I Am
Thou Art That I Am
We Are That I Am

Yes.
Times change. Time is change. I define myself along the lines in your face and in your mind. I am defined as the "other" and you are defined as the "I"; just as the reflection is defined by grace of a mirror; just as our bodies and languages are the ripples in the clear pond that reflect what swims below and what bubbles up or breaks into the water.
What do I see, looking in? Where are those eyes? Where are you?

I see the wall, cold obfuscating brick.
There are none of the open eyes, open arms, open wombs and open hearts that I fell in love with in this mirror.
It is dark and I am near the Pacific shore, on the beach, chasing ghost crabs across the pebbles and sand. I am chasing them, as I have been told, to catch them.
The old ones follow and encourage the little ones, carrying buckets. When we catch one; its claws up and its eyes suddenly invisible; its legs flailing as we hold it by the pointy edges of its shell, it is thrown into the bucket where it cannot escape. The chase is over.
The old ones are proud of us and we are not sure why because as fun and as lovely as the chase was we know they will all be let go and become ghosts again, and we will continue the chase until we wonder why we charge through the beach with these buckets and want for the touch of the ocean and some creature not hard-shelled and scuttling to avoid our open hands.

I've been sleeping in epilepsy
Sweating and cold, I am waiting for anybody to call me home.
I am travelling the rails at night
Watching for trains, hiding my eyes in the dark of the bridge.
And I find the faces that pass me by,
Like brothers and sisters on the same path as I.
And when I wake up again,
and you're by the door,
I am sinking through water to the ocean floor
And the train's in the water,
I'm sailing away
I am coming my lover
I am coming to stay